Issue 1- April 1, 2002

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Happy reading!

Jenny van Dyk - Women's Life Coaching

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Today's issue includes:

1. Off The Cuff - The art of transforming self talk

2. Try this ... hands on exercises for transforming self talk

3. Psychology Flash

4. A brief history of Women's Life Coach

5. Website of the week

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1. OFF THE CUFF: THE ART OF TRANSFORMING NEGATIVE SELF TALK

I have just had a week of unmitigated procrastinating. I have put off returning e-mails, resisted booking myself onto a training course, avoided making phone-calls, and most significantly put off writing this newsletter.

During weeks like this, when I feel as if I'm wading through treacle and everything is an effort, I find it useful to take stock of what I am saying to myself. Not surprisingly this week I have been particularly hard on myself. You've got nothing of interest to say ... You haven't done enough!' How can you call yourself a good friend? Look at those wrinkles. You're starting to resemble the London Underground! These are just a few choice examples.

Most of us are victims of this kind of self talk from time to time. Sometimes it is like a runaway train of regret and self reproach. At other times it is more subtle and whispers to us through the curtains of our minds. Often it is barely perceptible and so deeply ingrained that it is difficult to separate from who we are. But it is there. A steady stream of background chatter - 'shoulds', 'what ifs', 'if onlys' and 'not good enoughs'.

Negative self talk cripples our self esteem and paralyses action. It not only reflects our emotional states, but creates them too. You can feel calm or anxious depending on what you're telling yourself. And what we tell ourselves on a daily basis creates our reality.

Changing years of entrenched self talk is not easy but is possible. Liz Dittrich, a clinical psychologist specialising in body image, suggests that a useful first step is to shift from self critical language to neutral words. For instance,you can replace, 'I am being pathetic and unproductive' with 'I am having an off-day and I'll feel more productive tomorrow'.

A good tip for those who catastrophize situations is to replace What if? questions like What if I don't get the job? with questions that presuppose a good outcome:

For instance How can I make a good impression? or What do I need to do to prepare for this interview?

And for those who tend to dwell excessively on problems it is useful to practice a more solution oriented approach. Instead of focusing on the problem itself, assume that all problems have solutions and ask How do I want this situation to be different? Then ask What is the smallest step I need to take to achieve this? Then do it.

Finally, it is important to remember that lasting change comes with practice and persistence. If you hear something ten times you're more likely to believe it, says Dittrich, so instead of reinforcing a self critical standard, by changing your self talk you can reinforce a self-loving one.

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2. TRY THIS ...

IF YOU'RE IN A NEGATIVE SELF TALK LOOP

Take a piece of paper and divide it in half. On the left hand side write down all your negative self talk from today. Don’t stop until you have jotted down every last morsel. Okay. Now in the right hand column write down a constructive alternative for each negative. These don’t need to be wildly positive or OTT. Instead keep them realistic and neutral.

Read the right hand column when you get up each morning this week. Be on the look out for any changes during the week and jot them down.

IF YOUR BELIEF IN YOURSELF, OTHERS OR LIFE HAS BEEN ERODED

Write down 10 positive things you believe about yourself, your life or others. If you can’t think of 10 ask someone else for theirs. Use these as affirmations for a week and keep a track of any changes in yourself or how you see your world.

IF YOU'RE PROCRASTINATING AND AVOIDING ACTION

Make a list of 5 things you have been avoiding doing. Identify the negative self talk that is directly associated with each task. Break down each task into bite-sized chunks.

Now decide on how you will reward yourself once you have completed each chunk. This can be something small like having a cup of tea or a long bath or buying your favourite mag. (Self bribery is a much undervalued motivational technique!)

Remember to praise yourself on completing each chunk.

IF YOU'RE BEING SELF CRITICAL ABOUT THE WAY YOU LOOK

Look into the mirror but not in the usual judgemental way. Instead look into your eyes as you might look into the eyes of someone you care deeply about. It probably wont be easy and may feel a little creepy but hang in there.

Continue looking until you see yourself as just another human being or a beloved friend. Remind yourself of this person’s good qualities, struggles and life experiences. Affirm her humanness and choose to love her.

(Note: This can be a powerful exercise in self acceptance).

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3. PSYCHOLOGY FLASH:

Freud discovered the concept of the superego - the self-monitoring part of ourselves that is internalised firstly from our parents and from the society around us. Most of our superegos (of which our self talk is a large part) are overly judgemental and critical.

This means that many of us need to re-parent ourselves and surround ourselves with people that can re-parent us by affirming us.

How will you re-parent yourself this week?

Who in your life gives you affirmation and positive feedback you?

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4. A BRIEF HISTORY OF WOMEN'S LIFE COACH

WOMEN'S LIFE COACH is the natural culmination of the reading, soul-searching, researching, formal study, training courses and professional experiences I have had to date. It started out as a scribbled journal entry 4 years ago, gestated at the back of my mind for 3 years and was ‘born’ in the form of an embryonic ‘pilot project ’ in April last year. This proved to be a success and I soon had a waiting list of clients.

April 1st 2002 marks the first birthday of WOMEN'S LIFE COACH and its launch in the UK. I believe that WLC has something valuable and lasting to offer.

It combines 3 key elements into a unique and powerful service for women. These are: accountability, solution-focused questioning and self coaching.

**1. ACCOUNTABILITY is vital because most of us are not great at being accountable to ourselves. Coaching provides an external locus of control that holds you accountable to your goals and doesn’t let you off the hook.

Setting yourself weekly tasks and knowing that you have to report back on what you have achieved dramatically increases motivation, levels of productivity and keeps you in action.

**2. SOLUTION-FOCUSED QUESTIONING helps you discover goals and solutions that fit your unique situation and personality rather than providing prescriptive answers or global advice. In addition, Solution Focused questions are designed to help you see a situation from many angles and through different lenses. This helps generate numerous solutions or options for change and prevents you from repeating your habitual modus operandi.

**3. SELF COACHING is the process by which the solution focused questions and external accountability become internalised and second nature. The aim of all my coaching is that you become self reliant, have a strong accountability to yourself and are able to sustain the changes, motivation and productivity achieved during the coaching long after it has ended.

Finally WLC provides a safe space to begin to take stock and practice new choices and ways of being. It acts as a springboard for experimenting with life. Women who have experienced life coaching report that they naturally take more risks and are more playful and creative. They begin to discover what they are truly capable of and what they want to do with their lives.

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5. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK:

http://www.campsark.com

If you haven't discovered SARK yet this is the perfect place to do it.

She is the author of some of my favourite books - Succulent Wild Women and Transformation Soup. Her site is playful and uplifting. You can order gifts, find out more about her or sign up for her weekly e-letter.

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contact me here or by telephone on + 44 (0) 1225 314 694.

You can read some of my latest testimonials here