WELCOME TO WOMEN’S LIFE COACH MONTHLY NEWSLETTER.

Issue 2 - 20 April 2002

Thank you for your wonderful response to the last WLC newsletter. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your replies and ideas for future issues.

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Happy reading

Jenny van Dyk

Women’s Life Coaching

Today’s issue includes:

1. Off the Cuff: The art of being kind to yourself

2. Moving on through Honourable Closure by Margot Main

3. Try this… Hands on tips for self-kindness

4. So who can benefit from Women's Life Coach?

5. Thoughts for the Day

1. OFF THE CUFF: THE ART OF BEING KIND TO YOURSELF

Most of us learn the need for self care the hard way. We put up with too much for too long and one day wake up realising: ‘I can’t go on like this!’

Cheryl Richardson, life coach and author of 'Life Makeovers', believes that when we encounter these wake-up calls we need to radically rethink how we live our lives. In her words, we need 'a revolution of the self.'

This may involve letting go of destructive or draining relationships, redefining our boundaries, resigning from a soul-destroying job or cutting back on work hours.

Sometimes, it can involve reconnecting with something you used to love doing or finding a creative outlet. For those who have had a health scare, it often means re-evaluating everything from nutrition to lifestyle to work to child care.

But if we wish to reduce these upheavals a simple daily practice may help. I call it self-kindness. All it involves is checking in with ourselves often and asking ‘What do I need right now?’ and doing it.

As we remember to ask this frequently and listen compassionately to the answers that arise, we not only discover our capacity to prioritise and meet our own needs but also experience fewer of life’s rude awakenings.

Zen teacher, Katigiri Roshi says ‘Our goal in life is to have kind consideration for all sentient beings, every moment, forever.’ Begin this today by remembering to be kind to yourself, every moment, forever.

2. MOVING ON THROUGH HONOURABLE CLOSURE

by Margot Main

I am currently learning one of the hardest lessons in self-care: When to

quit. Diane Dreher in her book 'The Tao of Womanhood' calls this honourable

closure.

One thing I don't do is give up easily. I usually turns the lights out at

work. I pride myself in never quitting, in running the last lap, in gritting

my teeth and getting the job done. And I won't be happy if it is done with

only 50% of my concentration and energies.

I don't know what it is about human nature that we have to run full tilt

into brick walls before we take stock, but that was, more or less, what

happened to me about two months ago. I came to a grinding stop when I

realised that my personal and professional lives merely reflected each

other. Both were toxic, abusive and I was desperately unhappy.

With the help of many, and a fortuitous glance, at Diane Dreher's book I

decided that honourable closure was something I needed to look at more

closely. Dreher describes this as an art which encompasses knowing not only

when but how to let go. It means getting rid of old patterns, attitudes and

people to make a clearing in your head, heart and life for new beginnings.

I began by asking myself some tough questions:

‘Why do I feel so stuck?’

‘Why am I in a relationship which no longer makes sense to me?’

‘Why am I still in this dead-end work project?’

‘What is stopping me from moving ahead?’

The answers to these questions left me astounded and I realized that I had

to make some changes. More importantly, I was convinced that these changes

had nothing to do with quitting and everything to do with being more honest

with myself and those around me.

According to Dreher, honourable closure should ideally include a

conversation with others who will be affected by your new changes. In this

conversation you should clearly communicate your needs and why you are

moving on. These dialogues will help you end situations while maintaining a

strong sense of self and integrity. It can also give an opportunity for

others to understand, and even support, your decisions. In abusive

relationships, however, cutting your losses to move on may be the only way

forward.

Finally, honourable closure involves tying up loose ends by performing a

ritual of closure. Rituals complete the circle and seal the deal in the

process of letting go. Always try to find a ritual that makes sense for you

in that circumstance.

I chose to do a rite of passage at work and at home. At work I dedicated a

morning to clear out my office and throw away piles of paper and documents.

At home I took down photographs and packed away things that reminded me of

my old flame. As I completed each a mixture of bittersweet memories filled

my mind but a heavy weight lifted from my heart. I knew I was doing the

right thing.

(Margot Main is a winner of the Exclusive Books short story competition and a

former WLC coachee.)

3. TRY THIS ... IF YOU FIND IT DIFFICULT TO BE KIND TO YOURSELF

Write down 21 acts of self kindness. These can be as small (eg. breathe

deeply), generous (eg. buy myself flowers) or way-out, (eg. send self a

belated Valentines card) as you like.

Cut them out and place them in a container.

Pick out one each day for the next 3 weeks and do it. If it is something

like ‘take a 5 minute break’ or ‘breathe deeply’ practice it as often as you

remember.

At the end of each day write down what you did, how it made you feel about

yourself and what you’ve learnt.

IF YOU’RE FEELING LIKE AN OLD LOAF - DRY AND STALE

What did you love doing as a child? Colouring in, baking, climbing trees,

flying a kite, dancing or calligraphy (in my case). Jot them all down.

Now choose one activity and make a date with yourself to do it this week.

You will probably be tempted to conveniently ‘forget’ it or to find something

more urgent to do. Resist this temptation and do it anyway.

After your date write down what you did and how it made you feel.

Reconnecting with childhood activities is a way of reconnecting with forgotten,

playful parts of ourselves. Make this a weekly practice and watch as your life

becomes infused with fun and magic.

IF YOU FEEL NUMB OR USED UP BY WORK/OTHER’S

Set aside 20 - 30 minutes to ‘check-in’ with yourself at the end of every

day this month. You may choose to go for a walk or write in a journal or

simply sit and think. Regardless of what you do make sure that this time is

uninterrupted.

During your check-in time reflect on these questions: What am I proud of

achieving today? What have I liked about myself today? When did I give

myself a hard time today? How can I be kinder to myself? What do I need at

right now?

Being alone and reflecting like this is a way of tuning into your needs and

listening to your intuition. It also stops your life being taken over by

others needs and prevents burn-out at work.

** How did you find these tasks? Why not write to me at jenny@za-on.com

and let me know if they have made a difference in your life.

4. SO WHO CAN BENEFIT FROM WOMEN'S LIFE COACH?

The simple answer is women who are ready for change or those who are going

through change. Here are 3 pen portraits of the types of women who benefit

from life coaching.

RESOLUTION-MAKERS.

Who are they? Women who know what they want to achieve, have a good idea

about how to do this but continually fall short of their good intentions.

What are typical goals? Losing weight, starting an exercise routine,

completing that novel, starting a business, going freelance, beginning

evening classes.

How do they feel? Frustrated, disappointed with themselves, resigned, or

forever waiting for a break in life.

What is the role of the coach? Providing motivation, accountability,

cheerleading, defining realistic goals.

TRANSITION-MAKERS

Who are they? Women in the midst of personal change and upheaval.

What are typical goals? Successfully navigating changes such as emigration,

changing jobs or career, divorce, retirement, promotion, becoming a new

parent, getting married, money status.

How do they feel? Overwhelmed, alone, struggling with self esteem or loss.

What is the role of the coach? A sounding board, providing a safe space for

clear-thinking and offloading, giving objective feedback, cheerleading

success, building self esteem, breaking down tasks into manageable chunks,

being a steadfast, levelheaded companion throughout these transitions.

STRIVERS AND SEEKERS

Who are they? Women who desire success or self mastery, sometimes both.

High-flyers who want to go up a notch or sustain their position.

Seekers who want to explore inner processes and self mastery.

What are typical goals? Discovering what they are capable of, finding their purpose or calling in life, creating a legacy, making a difference in the world.

How do they feel? Good self esteem, stressed, inner and outer worlds may be out of balance.

What is the role of the coach? Challenging and being unreasonable about goals, clarifying passions and purpose in life, co-designing future, ensuring balance and integrity, creating a space for recharging, leadership training.

***If you see yourself in one or more of these categories, why not consider a FREE taster coaching session. This is a no-obligation opportunity to ask all about Women's Life Coach and get a feel for how it works.

E-mail me here, or telephone +44 (0) 1225 314 694

Coaching sessions are completely confidential and take place via telephone.

Each session lasts an hour and is tailor-made to meet your specific needs and to fit in with busy schedules.

Individual sessions cost £35. A monthly coaching package consisting of 4 sessions costs £120 (£5 discount per session)

5. THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY:

'If you feel unsatisfied with your life, as if something is missing that you

can't quite pinpoint,consider this: Maybe what's missing is you...In order to

capture what seems to be missing you'll need to get to know your inner self

in the same way you get to know a new lover or friend-by investing sufficient

time and attention in this relationship. (Cheryl Richardson)

Desire, ask, believe, receive. (Stella Terrill Mann)

contact me here or by telephone on + 44 (0) 1225 314 694.

You can read some of my latest testimonials here